In Eastern Europe, people don’t usually complain. Officially. It means that you are a traitor. Or could be betrayed. You can always resign though. Resign from your identity. Resign from your home. Your tribe, your status, your life. Because you show THEM where it hurts. Your vulnerability is your biggest enemy. If you are taking away someones’ status you might succeed. But THEY will erase you… right after your complaint will be filed into the void. And you will be very, very tired. Shadow of our ancestors’ generation trauma. Post-soviet toxic patriarchy. THEY are not even pretending to care.
I have a fresh story of making a complaint in silence. In total, earsplitting silence: Here I will tell a fresh story of this kind of complaint. Introduction of an artistic performance by Iranian artist named “Mahmoud Bakhshi”.
On February 17,2022, he occupied a gallery, kept it empty with only artist statement on the wall:
For second of March, With twelve years delay, Dedicated to (names of two political activists who have been in house arrest since twelve years ago) As a sign of comradeship, I won’t leave my studio as well. I will block all ways of communication and won’t hold any events.
In this essay the aim is not to criticising on behalf of my country’s art scene, but for me, as someone who knows the artist in person, it was so shocking, a suicidal act. I think the the most certain and terrifying characteristic of death is being forgotten, and this artist volunteering chose to be forgotten in order to make a complaint. This performance was one of my motivations to travel to my country. I wanted to talk to him, but wasn’t even sure if he accept visitors. So, I took a risk, took a taxi, asked the driver to wait for me. Fortunately he accepted visitors and we talked. I won’t deliver his words, but prefer to share an experience of being in his world for couple of hours; that feeling of passing life on the other side of the door and still choose not living it. Struggling with fear, doubt, loneliness and still insist on making complaint in silence.
For me, it was a breathtaking experience; this self-willed solitude for protecting a belief is respectful. I know I will think about it as long as this performance continues, and will whisper to myself:
In my previous text I emphasised on the relation between complaint and individual psych. Here, I prefer to discuss another aspect of it; the relation between complaint and political/ social acts.
I am coming from the land of complexity and complaint.
The unfairness happens everyday and complaint comes after. In most cases, the consequences of these acts of complaint are too much. I know plenty of bitter stories of people who paid unbelievable price for what they couldn’t/ cannot stand. Because they couldn’t/ cannot be comfortable in uncomfortable situations and the price is their youth, heath, family and their life. They lose and lose and lose but they are not a loser. They insist on making complaint and eventually they make changes.
At some points, only presence of people on the streets became a way of making complaint. Although some of us are lost about complaint in private, most of us are professional in public. We know how to make a complaint even with a colour, hand gestures, or just being silent, doing nothing.
This was my very first sentence in our first session. And that hit me hard. For some time, I was in complete denial. But then I started to think and realised I had had lots of difficulties due to this “disability”. Yes, I am calling this “disability” since I had to – and still have to – struggle a lot. I have been in abusive relationships, leading to severe mental problems. Then, I had to start the healing process, which wasn’t easy. Sometimes it was just Therapy sessions, but the last one made me take anti- depression medication for more than three years.
I was stuck in relationships or even friendships like that because I didn’t know how to complain. Because I was always asking these questions: “am I have the right to be uncomfortable?/did I do something wrong? Do I deserve this misery? Can I fix this? Yes, I need to fix this!” There was always a conversation between me and me. Sometimes, when I was suffering, I had to ask other people: “ listen to this story, do you think I was right?” And it was not the only consequence. I started to feel so uncomfortable in my own life that I decided to leave and start the new one. There is no doubt that it was a reasonable decision in many aspects, but the reason for this decision still breaks my heart.
In the early days of my new life, I felt incredibly guilty. I couldn’t enjoy it. I was here. Finally, I got everything that I have always wanted, and I have tried so hard for that for a long time. I felt guilty for the good weather, new experiences, and new opportunities. I was guilty because I could choose my outfit after years of mandatory Hijab. Because I could enjoy the wind in my hair. I felt that I owe everyone something. I used to cry a lot out of guilt. I felt guilty for having a nice cup of coffee in cold weather. While studying Sara Ahmed’s book, I realised that the relationship between complaint and guilt is meaningful. I could see this complexity in the book’s stories, whether they were told directly. Since I am very enthusiastic about psychology, I started to study this matter on the psychological aspect and consider myself a study case. So, In this essay, I will discuss this journey of me, the journey of lasting guilt.
Based on an essay by Kendra Cherry named “ What Is a Guilt Complex?”, there are four types of guilt: • Natural guilt: If you genuinely committed a wrong and feel bad for what you have done, guilt is a normal response. This type of guilt can be adaptive and can motivate you to take action or make changes in ways that are beneficial in the future. For example, you might relieve your guilt by apologising for action or changing problematic behaviour. If these actions are not addressed in a way that allows you to move on, however, they may lead to lingering feelings of persistent guilt that interfere with your life. • Maladaptive guilt: Sometimes, people feel guilty about things that aren’t within their control. For example, they may feel guilty that they didn’t prevent something that they had no way of predicting. Even though there was nothing they could do, they still felt strong feelings of regret, shame, and guilt. • Guilty thoughts: Everyone has negative or inappropriate reviews from time to time, yet sometimes people develop feelings of guilt for having such thoughts. Even though they may not act on them, they may fear that it means that they will or worry that others will find out about their “bad” thoughts. • Existential guilt: This type of guilt can be complicated and often centred on things like guilt over injustices or guilt about not living according to one’s principles. One type of existential guilt is known as survivor’s guilt. Sometimes people will experience a guilt complex because they are doing well when others they care about are not. This can emerge when someone survives some time of accident or disaster in which others are harmed, but it can also occur when others experience misfortune when you don’t. (Cherry, 2021)
I am suffering from “Existential guilt”. I was/am in pain because I always felt/feel I could do better for people; I could BE BETTER. I am in pain only because I did not behave as expected. If they cause me pain, the reason is I wasn’t/am not good enough. If they leave me, I did something wrong; if they mistreat me, it is my fault.
So, I looked back. I investigated my past cultural background. I was constantly told that it was not pleasant to complain, and this is my obligation to be creative enough to survive the situation that bothers me. “Tolerance” was equal to “Braveness”. For instance, My Ex used to tell me: “ you make me treat you in this way”. And still, after so many times, this sentence brings me a great deal of insecurity. I still cannot understand how I can cause myself so much pain and why the person I loved the most wanted me to believe that? Why did I not speak up? Why did I stay silent? I found part of my answer in Carl Rogers words: “When another recognises your pain (expressed by complaining) and validates your experience, this feels good and momentarily connects. He believed feeling heard was extremely powerful”. (Berry, 2021) In other words, I was/am feeling guilty because I couldn’t/ cannot get the validation to my pain, And I was not being heard. Even now, while writing these sentences, I constantly ask myself, “am I being a drama queen, AGAIN?” I don’t have an answer. But At least I could find the source of pain: my pain was/is not valid in the world. I believe in order to solve a problem, I need to see it first; respect its existence. In other words, maybe “words” can be skeleton of feelings. Of course I am not a specialist, but I’d like to propose that “words” can even be considered as a medium between conscious and unconscious, And Now that I exposed a problem, I want to recognise this problem as well.
So, I made a straightforward survey on Social Media and asked people who are sharing the same language with me to complain about something that caused them pain, but still, they don’t feel safe enough to express that. I felt this is my way to at least expose the problem. I had about fifty complaints in 24 hours. I translated some of them as examples:
I don’t know what I want to do with my life.
Why didn’t the guy sell the car to me? Why are people not responsible for their words?
Why don’t people use indicators while driving? It pisses me off. – The government is ruining my life.
I want to hit my father or even kill him. He hurts my sister.
I am never his priority.
Why people can’t respect my privacy.
I feel I am being taken for granted.
I still have nightmares about my ex-husband.
At this point, I felt that although their complaints and problems matter, my message is that: I hear you. Your pain is valid. All in all, I believe being able to complain is a life-changing skill and, at the same time, an opportunity. On the other hand, the feeling of being heard could prevent lots of unnecessary obstacles in life. The fact that, in my case, I made one of the most important and most challenging decisions in my life – immigration- on the direct side effect of not being heard, reminds me of the significant importance of this matter, and my heart is with people who are struggling with this bitter feeling. I imagine them in the dark, freezing woods, and I hope they can see the light. I hope someone hears their stories; someone aches for their loneliness.
References:
Kendra Cherry, 2021, what is a guilt complex https://www.verywellmind.com/guilt-complex-definition-symptoms- traits-causes- treatment-5115946#:~:text=Guilt%20is%20described%20as%20a,Crying (Accessed: Feb 2022) William Berry, 2021, The Psychology of Complaining, https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-second-noble-truth/ 202104/the-psychology- complaining#:~:text=Complaining%20is%20a%20form%20of,it%20 may% 20drive%20people%20apart (Accessed: Feb 2022)
My wife and children dragged me on one occasion to the public pool in Weimar. I have always disliked swimming pools. The following poem is inspired by this experience so mundane and yet remarkable.
Surrounded by a world in other bay; The blush went up, up, up glory of light, body and mind Cool of hair
Brought the fair view of the fresh free form, Throne of water of celestial hue, Turn away the gaze Encircled by a perfect float they fade.
Laid my fair daughter on the pool, Wild winds and breast strokes Step after step my curved feet turn, Spring of the great ethereal blue
Now, back to land with gleaming glory By way of the forest past the ash
I was the only person of color in the pool at that time. My children take after their mother who has light skin. They didn’t notice this. I did however. Being wet, cold and non white among all whites makes you think.
While I am complaining, the life is going on. “We ended up meeting in a large cafe. Although we found a relatively private corner, you could hear the hustle and bustle around us, the clattering of plates, sounds of laughter; clattering, and clattering. Being there together made a difference; hearing life go on can be a reminder that life goes on.”
—
Una denuncia es un testimonio Testimony was thus in the accounts as well as being how they took form. And what has been so important to the process of receiving these statements as testimony is receiving them together. To hear these accounts as testimony is to hear how they combine to allow us to bear witness to an experience, to show what they reveal, to bring out what is usually hidden, given how complaints are made confidential.
Esto es un testimonio sobre un fenómeno social y collective. It was clear to me the limits of what I could do.
—
Words carry a charge; you can end up being made to feel that you are the problem, that the problem is YOU words getting under our skin!!!
IMPRUDENTE
and I don’t trust the space to sound like that person. No quiero sonar quejumbrosa — Complaint can be sick speech. HABLA ENFERMIZA —
NOTHING IS GOING TO CHANGE SO WHY?
What she calls “the same narrative” is skepticism that there is any point in following a complaint procedure to complain would be to hurtle toward a miserable fate, complaint as fatalism, to leave the right path, the institutional path, to bring misery upon yourself.
a complaint canalso be framed as pointless,
Warnings can operate in the realm of the would rather than the could.
A warning becomes about what you would not do if you wanted to protect yourself, your career, and your own happiness.
2. warning can be offered in the style of a report.—- qualified support, warnings -to be more concerned with consequences than anything else
A warning is a technique of redirection: the past is used like an arrow that points to what will happen heads can dowhat they like.
WARNINGS – “rocking the boat” and “making waves”
A complaint is heard as making waves, as stopping things from being steady
Warnings can be used to remind people of the precarity of their situation.
who is bigger and who is smaller (they are bigger; you are smaller)
upset the status quo.
2. Warnings as threats,
whistle-blower scatter gun loose cannon as if the damage caused by making a complaint was a result of a failure of precision.
YES WARNING
Nodes: We learn from our surroundings. A nod is when you move your head up and down, often several times, to show agreement, approval, or a greeting.
It is striking to me how a limbo is described as a space: you make a complaint and that is where you end up; a limbo is what is opened up. To be in limbo is to be left waiting.
nodding is encouraging.
Nodding can be nonperformative. In chapter 1 I used nonperformative to refer to institutional speech acts that do not bring into effect what theyname.
To placate is to calm or to soothe. Placate derives from the word please, to be agreeable When hearing about a problem is offered as a solution, hearing becomes another kind of dissolution.
how complaints involve communicative
labor:!! ———-
I am calling the response of no response blanking.
To be blanked is to be ignored
(I think of blanking as like an eraser used to remove marks from the page.)
Blanking can be how you erase the data. Or blanking can be how you fail to record the data.
Nonending, like this book, as complaints, as fear, as tears, as nonsense world.
“It’s like you put glasses on, and now you can see it.” She emphasized that having seen the world through the lens of complaint, you cannot unsee that world,” cited Sarah Ahmed in her book.
Some years ago, I had thought of something similar. Once you become aware of something, you can’t turn a blind eye.
I became a feminist. I will never be able not to be it. I became vegetarian because I realized how is the meat industry contaminating the world. Even if I eat meat again, I will always know. Even if I truly loved it, I stopped buying fast fashion because I will always be aware of the tons of water wasted to produce a single pair of jeans.
I thought once. I cannot stop thinking I knew once. I cannot stop knowing I realized, and I cannot stop being aware I have seen, heard, and experienced how bullying and intimidation can hurt you, and now I can’t help but distrust others. I cannot stop ………….. I cannot stop ………….. I cannot stop ………….. I cannot stop ………….. I CANNOT STOP FEARING
“The instruction not to complain can be internalized, because that is what you had been taught, that to complain is to be oversensitive, to be easily affected, easily hurt, bruised, damaged. What others say to you repeats what you have said to yourself. What you say to yourself repeats what others have said to you. The work of complaint can involve an internal process of coming to terms with what you are experiencing. Even if you have to complain about something that is being done to you, whether by somebody else or by a structure that is enabling somebody else, you still have to come to terms with yourself. A complaint can feel like an existential crisis, a life crisis.” (Ahmed 2021: 114)
I am a woman; I am young, have tattoos, and like punk and emo. That characteristic makes me see myself as a professional without experience, and we are used to seeing youth as a flaw.
I was working in a private school as an English teacher. I taught in high school. I liked my job because I could share with my child, who studied there. Besides that the school was beautiful, with a lot of green and animals, we had pure air all the time.
One of my colleagues was an older man working there for a long time—that person used to teach English to the student I was now leading. And I think that is why he thought, even if that was not his responsibility, to supervise my work.
This teacher started to call me “the emo teacher,” he used that nickname without my authorization, and he used it because he could be related to the way I dressed. I like punk, emo, neopunk. I love that music and its aesthetic, but that has nothing to do with how professional I am.
He makes me suggestive comments, looks at me in a way that makes me feel uncomfortable, and harras me via WhatsApp. Furthermore, I did the whole work in the English area, and he always took all the credit.
Once, he called me at 7:00 am on a Sunday to ask me for money, and he threatened me, saying: “If you lend me that money, I will tell you what thoughts has the school principal about you and why they hate you so much.”
(I need to clarify here: I have anxiety and depression, and those comments are not suitable for my mental health. This condition was well known in the school, and he took advantage of it, so I lent him the money)
As he was a teacher working there for a long time, it was difficult for me to complain to my superiors. Especially as I said before: “we are used to seeing youth as a flaw.” I knew no one would believe me, or nothing would happen. Additionally, that process would mean something huge for my mental health lead.
As I was tough as a child, we needed to “have patience and curse quietly.” So that was what I did. I wanted to have a low profile and keep my distance from that teacher. That was super difficult because we work in the English area. I already decided to change jobs as soon as the year-end because I did not want to cut the process I had with my students.
One day I arrived at the school, everything was normal, and one person from the principal office asked me in a demanding tone that I had to go to the office. They did not even let me go to the teachers’ room to leave y stuff there. When I got into the room, the principal, the coordinator, and a lawyer waited for me. Apparently, the teacher who has been harassing me accused me of harassment because I said: “my love” to one of the students.
It is not OK to corner someone, and I felt accused without my right to defend myself. I could not believe what was going on. Saying in a lovely way to a student was not, for me, sexual harassment. I was shocked, and the coordinator said: Is there something you wanted to tell us?
Even if I did not want to complain about the abuses I received from that colleague, at this point, I saw my opportunity. It was evident that these people had no idea what was going on with that teacher.
So, I told them everything. And as proof, I showed some screenshots of the chat on WhatsApp. They were stunned. They did not have complete control of the situation (“El sarten por el mango”) as they thought.
The person that accused me was, in fact, a stalker. Could you imagine? If that behavior had to me “another teacher,” What could he do with a student? At that moment, the institution (The school and the principal) see themselves cornered. They know that my accusations are severed, and I had proof.
So by then, the narrative and their behavior had changed. The voice tone was not rude anymore. I felt relieved because I could take all out of my system. The meeting ends with the agreement that that teacher or I will continue working there. However, there would not be any process against that person. As institutions tend to do, the institution will protect that kind of people.
With time I found that that teacher is still working in the school. It is always more important to maintain the reputation than the truth. More important than protecting the institution’s students and workers. They always manage the problems under the desk without giving them a real solution. Institutions tend to wait for the environment to calm down and do nothing, which causes this kind of abuse never stops.
There are no supporting routes to this kind of case. The private schools have an inner regulation that can apply as they want. But the people do not know how is the complaint route. I feel after this experience that the complaint does not have any effect if the institution does not want to make a change.
This story was told in a meeting between two friends on the 19 of February 2022.
“The decision whether to complain is usually made in the company of others; you will most likely receive advice, suggestions, and guidance from peers as well as friends, whether welcomed or not.28 You might decide not to complain because you cannot deal with the consequences of complaint that have been made vivid to you through warnings.” (Ahmed 2021: 24)
I am a psychologist, and I work at the Women’s Secretariat, an institution created to help women who suffer or have suffered some kind of violence inside or outside their homes.
My work has to do with the “restitution” of rights that have been violated. This word causes me a lot of conflicts: Who am I to restore someone’s rights? How do you restore rights?
First of all, as civilians, we do not know our rights, just as we do not know our duties are in many cases, but if we are not even clear about this, how can we know when our rights are being violated?
In a hypothetical scenario where people know their rights, they would know when they are being violated. But even so, they would not know which routes to restore those rights. Every time a request is broken, a debt is generated. Because everyone should have access to the same rights.
With this in mind, my job is to accompany the women who contact us for help. In this scenario, I am the institution. I must activate the route to give them the legal and psychological support they need. I am an institution that helps women enter the system to achieve justice and the security that many of them are looking for.
This sounds very nice, but there are many factors against it. When a woman calls, she must explain that she must initiate a legal and psychological process. And if necessary, if her life is in danger, asylum should be sought immediately in a women’s home. These houses are temporary spaces where they can go to live with their sons and daughters in case they live with the aggressor, as happens in most cases.
After informing her of everything, I must know everything because I am also violating her if I don’t. At this moment, I feel that I am opening boxes within boxes because I must help these complaints to prosper. Still, the institution does not guarantee the professionals who work there training on the constantly changing processes.
My job is to teach her how to access the legal language because if she can express the violence, she has suffered, the system and the law can accept her. Many things can play against her. For example, if the person does not know how to read or write, I assume this role (I cannot tell her to fill out this form or read this information and tell me if she has any questions).
Another critical factor is revictimization. There are two types of revictimization: The first is to tell the story without advancing the process, whether legal or psychological. This is very painful, and doing it without purpose can make it even more difficult. The second is secondary revictimization, which is to tell the story again, but to advance the process, i.e., before an institution: family police station, judges, lawyers. In these contexts, telling the story is an end in itself, and for this reason, it is necessary.
It is imperative that the woman has her story in order and knows how to express herself coherently because the legal system does not work based on emotion. This revictimization is painful but necessary to enter the institution.
As an institution (being myself the institution when I talk to these women), I must tell them that it is teamwork and that these are slow processes. I can help them, but they must also do their part to make progress.
As a worker in the institution, the number of complaints and cases that I have to deal with is overwhelming. In 6 months, I wrote more than 200 emails and dealt with more than 250 cases. It is complicated to handle 250 psychological processes simultaneously with telephone appointments of 30 minutes each.
The complaint within the complaints
It is clear that no matter how much I want to help these women, the system absorbs you, and you end up dealing with a complaint, not a person, a cause, not a person, one more violence. But the truth is that if you do not humanize the complaint, nothing happens. Behind all the forms, hearings, emails, and calls, a woman is suffering violence. Unfortunately, the system dehumanizes us, them, and us as workers.
This story was told in a meeting between two friends on the 16 of February 2022.
“Knowing how complaints can be sticky, as well as picky, she gave herself instructions not to complain: “I told myself to shut up. I told myself not to talk, not raise questions and just be invisible.” When you have something to say but realize it would be costly to say it, you have to keep telling yourself not to say it. Institutional passing can be the effort to maximize the distance between yourself and the figure of the complainer. You might try to pass not because you identify with them or wish to be one of them but just because it is safer not to stand out.” (Ahmed 2021: 155)
I am a doctor, and I believe that complaining is for the brave. Because when we complain, we need to expose the situation we are complaining about repeatedly. In a case in which we have been violated, we have felt insecure and powerless. We must tell our story, hoping to be heard and hoping something will change. During my undergraduate internship in obstetric medicine, I was amazed by some mothers’ mistreatment when having their babies. The system dehumanizes doctors, leaving them with no more energy than they need to deliver a baby as quickly as possible. First, the shifts are so long that you don’t care who is on the other side in the end. You want to finish fast. There the system wins. A patient is just another number. Never mind that it’s the big day when the nine-month wait is finally over, and you finally see your baby’s face. It’s just another number. Secondly, the position in which mothers must give birth is not the right one. Many indigenous cultures give birth in a squatting position because gravity helps the baby come out easier, and pushing is not as painful. The system won. Doctors are used to pain. Third, there are so many women in the delivery rooms that it is impossible to provide an excellent service to all of them. The important thing is the “product,” the baby. The important thing is to get it out as quickly as possible in the best possible conditions. Cesarean sections have even been performed that was unnecessary because the breast took too long to dilate. Women have to say yes because they are not 100% informed of what is happening at that moment. The system won: How many babies per minute? Humanized childbirth is a concept where that kind of thing doesn’t happen. The mother has total control over her labor. The decisions she has to make are informed. The point is that there shouldn’t even be a “humanized birth” because all births should be like that. We women have been taught that life is not easy and that we should not complain. Because besides, if we complain, nothing will likely happen. The system has completely drained the will of doctors; everything is numbers and money. Anyone who complains about the system is a toad, that is, someone who “talks too much,” but not being a toad has led us to perpetuate an inhumane system. It has shown us to have medical appointments where the doctor cannot take his eyes off the computer. The skepticism of complaining has accustomed us to the fact that it is easier to put up with it than to complain and carry out a process within the institution.
This story was told in a meeting between two friends on the 13 of November 2021.
