The story is fresh. I still feel the pain and temperature inside my chest. I feel like I cannot breathe; I feel like I am the loneliest person in the world, walking in the coldest streets and crying. At this moment, I feel I cannot do anything. However, I have to go to work; I must be responsible while shattering apart because of my “unacceptable” pain. The pain of making a complaint and not being heard. I was not being understood. My pain was not valid in the world. It was not acceptable. Someone in the world decided that I was not worthy of being heard. This is too much. This fardel on my shoulders, this judgmental voice in my head, this little crying girl in my chest, and me on my way to work. This is too much.
These last lines were based on a true story. I wrote them as I was freezing on my way to work. I was very late and knew that my boss would not be happy. However, I could not help it. The pain that I was experiencing was TOO MUCH that I had to sit somewhere and write those words. I needed to be heard. I wanted someone to tell me that I am not insane. But, I was too ashamed to talk about it simultaneously.
This happens every time. Whenever I decide to listen to the voice in my head that whispers, “it is not ok, do something.” it happens every damn time that I want to stand for myself. Nevertheless, it is not easy; First, I have to struggle with a roof of glass pressing on me: How to describe/share/value a complaint when you cannot make one? How do you let yourself feel your feeling when you know that you are being judged. I constantly have to have conversations in my head with myself to realize, “am I right to be uncomfortable in this situation “?
And this too much. It is like I am constantly defending myself in a court in my head. I have to think all the time. This condition has a name, and this is an actual mental Problem: overthinking. “Overthinking is when you dwell or worry about the same thought repeatedly. People who overthink can be paralyzed by their worries and struggle to make decisions or take action. Overthinking can be caused by ̶ and can contribute to ̶ depression, anxiety, and other mental health disorders”. And then I have to struggle with FEAR. I feel fear all the time. I am scared that I am missing real-life experiences. I am rarely present in the moment. I am not there. So when do I get to live my moment? There is always a transparent wall, a gap between me and others. Now, this is even more critical: I am a foreigner here. I do
everything that every foreigner needs to do, learn, and cope with. However, I have to do them twice because half of my mind is always trapped.
And now, here the next question comes: How to make a complaint ( give birth to it, make it exists) when you cannot do anything about it? It feels like my creature ( complaint) is eating me alive. the guilt hits again: there is always worse. Basic standards suddenly feel like a privilege.
Is it even my right to make a complaint?